So long looking backwards, you can't see where it really began

I said a couple of things in my last post that I want to elaborate on. Nothing to do with Who Are You, although The Who will most certainly turn up in it somewhere.

I wrote that I'm not a naturally gifted writer and that I started the blog to help with my own mental health problems. I have been suffering over the past few months from a mental health crisis, something which used to be called a mental breakdown. I've suffered from depression on and off, lately more off, and have learned to identify triggers and have adopted tools to deal with those triggers. This time though things began to overwhelm me. That's where writing began to help, it is one of the tools, along with exercise and TALKING about issues (come on, it is good to talk!!!), that help me. The triggers I identified were many-fold but my day job was one of them. After weeks being off work I returned part-time this week. Last night I went to write an new blog entry and couldn't. After one paragraph, I was totally blocked. Today, I've changed tack on the subject and decided to deal with my own brain head on.

Mental health issues and their treatment are badly underfunded in the UK. Often the local news carries stories about troubled teens who have taken their own lives because access to treatment and support hasn't been forthcoming. Whilst I've never reached that stage, although I can remember a very bad episode in my early thirties, I know exactly the issues they face. For the past 15 years or so I've been open about my own issues, before that not so much. I can trace my own problems back to 1974 - 20th August 1974 to be exact. Some of you would already have seen me write about this before but for those of you who haven't, my best friend was killed in an horrific accident whilst working for a pittance in a well known store on Saturdays. It was something all teenage kids seemed to do, a Saturday job, to raise some pocket money. My brother, who in the past has helped pull me out of a gutter or two ( metaphorically and once physically) states that he can clearly pinpoint the change in me to that time. He says I became moody and wasn't the happy-go-lucky kid I was before. I don't disagree with him.

It has taken a toll over the years. It has cost me a lot but I thought that it was all behind me. This episode hit me like a ton of bricks. The funny thing is before it hit I was talking with my wife about setting up a men's group locally where people can just talk to others who may be suffering and to help offer support and advice. Life is a c**t sometimes and trips you up when you want to do good things. However, I can't underestimate the power of talking. Men especially find it difficult to talk about mental health issues and I would recommend, if you are suffering, to see if you have a local group. I know I make it sound easy but believe me I know how difficult and painful it is to talk about emotions and pressures. It has cost me dearly in adult life. I do understand but talking is the first step on the road to recovery. This time I also required medicinal help and I'm not afraid to admit that. It has contributed to a recovery which I am still coming out of.

When I was younger my escape was music. The Who (told you...) in particular. It was an escape for me. Somewhere I could forget about real life. Yesterday I started writing about things in my life associated with The Who on October 24th's through my life. There were quite a few, such as the 'by numbers' show illustrated with the ticket above. 1975 was an important year for me, following on from the death of my friend, Jimmy. So many good things happened to me, most of which were associated with gigs or music from The Who and it made me realise that I do relive my life based upon activities undertaken by The Who. I know that's the same for a lot of you, with The Who or 'insert name of band of your choice here'. It's a strange thing but when a band, or football team or whatever, play such a big part in your life that you can pinpoint exactly where you were, what you were feeling and who you was with on certain days of your life, it becomes really important.

It's the same today. I'm lucky that I have managed to put together a good collection of Who memorabilia. It is important to me. It helps me remember the good times, it is another tool in my armoury of dealing with issues. Sometimes it does have the opposite effect though. The other day I came across something from my time working for Pete. It was a screenshot from the fans forum in 2004, talking about how I got that job. It was not the worst thing that were said about me at that time, but it is an example. Remarks from faceless keyboard warriors. Remarks from people who never met me in my life. Remarks that hurt however thick skinned you think you are (you probably need to zoom in to read)

As I said, not the worst thing ever said, but the cumulative effect of dealing with adverse comments really do add up. It's one of the reasons that even today I dislike social media and try not to put my head above the parapet. Obviously, I'm not the best at that but I do try and not be contentious, even when I could and want to be. Doing this blog is a concern. As much as I think it helps I am also terrified by it.

The last post was viewed over 700 times, which astounds me. The comments and emails I received after it were all cool - thank you. I know that not every post will get that many reads and may attract negative comments, the latter is something I will need to deal with.

Music is still my escape. The Who is still my escape, still my band. I am gutted at not seeing any of the farewell shows. Factors combined that meant I was unable to go. The band though have been my saviours on many occasions, we've given and taken from each other. I'll always have that and I'll always have my collection to remind me.